faded memories
♥ shan 杉 signed off at 7:15 PM

come to think of it, there's no best.
no best experience,
no best friend,
no best school.
no matter what, there's still something better, or someone better.

i once though 2B was the best, then 3E came, and it turned out to be real good.
i've had loads of fun.

but im still missing out on alot,
and missing alot on the past.

i missed the times when i was still at parkeast.
when there was gwen and jamie.
they were only so small, naive and innocent.
we used to play at the plaground.
we played hide-and-seek and ice & water.
we jumped on the trampoline together
and i laughed when i saw jamie laugh.
but now they're grown.
gwen's p6 and jamie's p2..
i miss them both.

******

i missed the times when i had swimming lessons.
when the coach decided to groom me
cos i was in love with the pool.
when i won my very first trophy and couldnt be happier.
when my picture appeared
on the cover of the club magazine.
when i went for lessons thrice every week
till i got so tanned.
and then i quit,
and it was the end of everything.

******

i missed the times in primary school.
when my first two friends were guys,
who named themselves apple and orange.

i missed the times in p4.
when i got to sit beside him for the first time.
when i had so much fun with his antics.
when he made me laugh and smile so much.
he gave me stuff which i keep till now.

when he made me cry,
for the first and last time in school.
when he didnt bother to apologise,
when he just walked away.
he cared actually,
but he just did not show it.

when we went over to the house,
and played in the attic.
it was fun.
i learnt how to play cards,
i learnt how fun it could be to have a bunch of friends.
i learnt that he actually cared.
i left abruptly.
till now, im still thinking why did i leave.
he made me mad, so i left.
just like that.

when i joined the athletics team for the first time,
you guys accompanied me.
we stayed in school till late for training.
and then i quit.

i remember my birthday party.
you all turned up.
having fun with me on the special day.
it was really good.

******

i missed the times in p5.
when seven of us used to sit on the canteen stairs.
talking non-stop till the bell rang.

when we had so much fun in inter-house games.
when the killerwhales got second place.

when i sat beside him and constantly laughed in class.

when i walked past your class,
and randomly took a peek at you.
you'd be looking out for me,
or you'd be talking and laughing,
or you'd be upfront getting scolded by the teacher.
but sometimes, just sometimes,
you'd see me and smile back.

then i became a prefect.
then we had duties with classes.
i had 1E and then 2E.
i saw them grow, cry, laugh.
when they were p2, i graduated.
when i went back, they remembered me.
they ran towards me shouting my name.
i'll never forget that.
but they forgot me last year.
i stood outside their class, peeping in.
they didnt know me.
not anymore.

******

i missed the times in p6.
i am regretful for dropping one class.
things didnt turn out the way i wanted it to be.
everything changed when i scored that mark.
rather, when i didnt make the mark.

all along, class would be non-stop teaching and working,
with the teacher pushing us to our limits,
to score our best for PSLE.
we constantly heard next door classes screaming and shouting,
having so much fun during class,
and we could only ignore and continue with work.

there were rules within the class.
no talking when she was talking.
no looking out of the window to see who passed by,
and no looking into other classes when we walked by.
we used to sit at the back of the class,
having study sessions.
we used to stay back for remedials and continue studying.
we walked to the library
to draw the condo opposite the road for art lessons

we missed school concerts and functions
just to continue studying in class.
i remember, she once said
"the best teacher's day present you could ever give me,
is to stay in class and continue with our lesson
and not go for the concert in the hall.
so what have you all decided to do?
stay in class or go for the concert?"
we stayed in class that day.
doing our best for ourselves, and the teacher.

you were strict.
you put us down with snide remarks.
reverse psychology, some say.
but to p6 kids, it was hurtful.
i didnt understand then,
when the seniors said it was for the better,
and we'd thank her for it.
we all thought it was crap,
and that no one would ever want a teacher like that.
but looking back now,
i do thank her for everything.

i remember the day of the funfair.
i was bursting the balloons in effort to twist them.
your stall was fun, and wet.
we spent our tickets doing things we never did together
playing games and more games.

i remember the graduation day.
we sat in the hall listening to speeches.
when it ended, no one cried except one.
and it was because of the teacher that she cried.
not friends, not memories.
maybe because there was nothing to cry about.
maybe because we were all relieved that the year has ended.
maybe because we did not miss anything.

i remember us getting back the results,
when we gathered in class,
seeing each other again after a month.
i was scared of scoring badly.
then i saw you,
you looked different.
some cried, some celebrated.
i only remember hearing a lot of chattering,
comparing and asking of schools,
trying to cheer some up,
trying to maintain the same expression.

my school may not have anything fun.
i may not have found what i was looking for there.
but without it, i wouldnt have these memories.
without it, there wouldnt be me here.
without it, i'd probably be somewhere else now.

******

you constantly gave in to me.
whatever i wanted, you'd just accept.
you never disagreed with me.
i doubt you've ever disagreed with anyone.
i dont know how you do it.
im learning, still learning..
thankyou so much.

i remember the times when we hanged together,
when we went to the club and just studied
and played at the arcade.
when we talked about a lot of stuff,
when you just listened while i talked.
but it was a one sided thing
you shared my problems,
but i didnt share yours.
you didnt complain about unfairness,
you didnt argue that i was overbearing.
i think i am,
i think i am stubborn,
i think i am too selfish.
but you didnt mind.
you accepted me for who i was.

******

i remember the times when i first stepped into dunman.
when i found out that debo wasnt in my class.
when i found out that alicia was actually my mum's friend's niece and my neighbour.
when i actually started talking to my classmates.

B-class rocked. it always did.
we may have caused havoc.
we may have been the worst behaved class in the year.
we may have made the teacher cry numerous times.
we may have failed numerous tests.
we may have scored the lousiest in the year.
but we still rocked.

there's memories that are uncountable for the times spent in B.
from sec one to sec two. we stayed together.

******

i remember the time when we had soccer interclass.
we'd train and play for fun.
although we lost a little unfairly,
we were happy.

i remember the time when we had vball interclass.
it was harder training,
we had more confidence.
but we lost in the end.
we were nervous, not on form, lost.
it felt harder to accept.
through one very game, it was over.
no chance of winning ever.

i remember us playing just before tests,
when every other class was paranoid about it.
then we'd create so much noise,
that teachers would file complaints and complaints.

when we got scolded,
we probably didnt care at all.
when we failed tests,
we probably thought it's not the first time anyway.

i remember us painting the classroom so badly,
that the viceprincipal made us repaint it.
it was merely spray paint,
which made our classroom look like a back alley.
but he didnt like it,
neither did any teacher.
we did, but no one seemed to care.

i remember the guys jumping around,
jumping on the tables and chairs,
propping themselves on the teacher's table,
stepping on the whiteboard,
swinging on the doorframe,
throwing stuff towards the fans,
then the window pane smashed.

******

i remember the times when i trained with the team
we won the competition with a big bang.
we celebrated happily.
but now, i dont know what it feels like.
the seniors are gone
there's no motivation.
you're not there to add the tinge of fun
you're not there to brighten everything up.
we had same thought and feelings
when you left, i gave up.

you were the best ever,
i just dont know how to express it.
it was just great having you around.
we had things in common,
i looked up to you
but you didnt like that.
you didnt want it to be that way.
so we were on par,
looking on as good friends.
i liked that.

******

i remember knowing you for the first time,
through a mass conversation the school had.
everyone left, leaving you and me.
from then on, we chatted almost everyday,
knowing more and more about each other.
i knew you before,
saw you around.
but we didnt speak.
then i was wrong, thinking that way, feeling that way.
when you finally came,
i backed out.
but you never left.
it's different with you.
im sometimes not me.
im just someone to make you happy, and make me happy.
maybe cos you were always happy,
maybe cos you were always cheerful,
maybe cos you were always there for me.
i took it for granted,
and it's drifting apart.

******

i remember the times when i used to go home with desiree on bus 12.
we'd have loads of laughter and jokes.
talking so much about almost everything under the sun.
then we'd comment on little stuff.
and go on and on about "san hui"
i'd never forget you.

i remember the time when we first quarrelled.
it was the first time i quarrelled with someone who's so close to me.
i heard you cried.
i didnt know.
i didnt know what to do either.
i hate friendships to end.
i didnt want it to end.
but through this, it made us closer, stronger and matured.
we disagreed on numerous issues.
but sooner or later we'll agree with each other.
either you'd give in, or i would.
but we'd be okay.

******

i remember the time when chunlong left.
we gathered at the airport to bid him farewell.
i thought i wouldnt cry.
but seeing people around me cry, i cried too.
i cried for you.
for a friend who'd leave and never come back.
a part of B forever, but a part that's away.
i didnt know him that well
i seldom talked to him.
but it still happened as though we were close friends.

******

i remember the time when we watched deathnote together.
although it was meant to be a class outing,
only ten went.
it was still fun though,
in that small squeezy cinema,
sneaked in outside food.
and i remember you dropped your fillet on the floor,
and you forgot that you dropped it,
and you continued eating it.
gross, yes,
but we laughed and put it at the back of our minds.

******

i remember the time we went to sentosa,
we played so much and had loads of fun.
the guys were buried in the sand,
we played beach volleyball,
we played truth and dare.
you lost your wallet,
we couldnt find it back.

******

i remember how you guys celebrated my fourteenth birthday.
how much fun we had at escape.
how much effort you guys put in for my present.
and how much fun we had looking at my expression.
thankyou very much.

******

i remember our class chalets.
it was nothing much for the first year,
because i couldnt stay over.
but the second year was fun.
we didnt get to cycle in the middle of the night,
we didnt get to see the sunset or rise,
we didnt get to play in the pool,
but we had girls talk and we definitely had fun.

******

i remember us having study groups before EOYS,
where we stayed back in school to study together.
where we went over to one's house and studied together.
we may not have gotten much out of it,
but i understood you better.
i knew you more.
and we got closer.

i remember you coming over to my house
we were supposed to study.
we did. but not all the time
we had fun playing around
drawing here and there
and my lucky tortoise gave you luck.
i didnt know you liked it that much to keep it on for the exams
i didnt know you already felt that way then.
i didnt know, or was i too scared to think deeper?

******

i remember when we got back our results.
how disappointed some were,
and how relieved some were.
im not exactly satisfied,
maybe that explains why im working hard this year.
i dont want a repeat of what happened,
all the disappointment,
trying not to show it to others,
concealing it on inside of me.
it feels terrible.
i dont like it.

******

i remember that with different people,
i talked about different things.
except for you,
you knew everything about me,
and i knew everything about you.
i understood your problems and probed no more.
but because some didnt understand,
you got upset.
with some friends i had nothing to talk about.
with some who we had things in common,
we'd talk so much that time ran out so fast.

i remember watching the match with you,
and helping you out by shouting his name
into a room filled with his teammates.
i knew him for who he was before.
you knew him for who he was after.
i didnt mind,
we had loads in common.
you had what i had before,
and i had what you had before.

******

now i look at you two and think,
what has happened?
you werent like that before,
you were bad, but not this bad.
who influenced you,
what influenced you?
i guess im in no position to say anything,
since i've hurt you that badly.
i just hope you wouldnt forget me,
not ever,
cos i would never forget you.

******

i remember the times when i went overseas with family
it was always fun.
melbourne was three years back,
but i still remember it clearly,
how we met denise there,
where we went.
although we lost many photos cos the computer crashed,
i still remember you.
come back cousin,
i miss you so much.

i remember the time when i was in taiwan,
it was almost a dream come true,
my first visit to a chinese country.
i loved it there.
shopping and more shopping,
seeing things which i only saw on teevees and dramas.
it all came true, for once.

******

i remember the time when i first went out with you.
it was so different,
you were so different,
you werent like what you were in school.
you cared more, you smiled more you were more matured.
maybe it's because of the different status,
maybe because it's a different feeling,
maybe because we've been through so much.
we progressed fast,
it was fast.
but it was good.
because if we didnt,
i'll probably have nothing to think back about now.
i still try to hold on to memories,
but it's starting fade.

the movies we caught together are out on sale now,
it brings back fond memories when i see them on sale.
i think of you,
of the time we spent together,
i miss you.

sometimes i look back and think,
if it didnt happen, maybe things would be different now.
if it didnt happen, maybe you wouldnt look like that now.
but if it didnt happen, i wouldnt have these memories to think through.
i do regret.
i regret doing so.
i regret leaving at the point of time where you needed me most.
i regret leaving when i couldnt make sure of what i felt.
i regret letting it be so shortlived.
i regret saying "i've decided" when i actually have not.
but the only thing that goes through my mind when i see you is two words,
i'm sorry.

i hate what things have become.
where we were at the start and where we are now.
i cannot find that picture.
maybe im fated not to find it.
maybe im supposed to let go.
but i see you every single day,
and i took a long time to get over it,
and i took a long time to have the courage to speak to you again.
and i admit,
i cannot talk to you without thinking that you are just a friend.
maybe i should just accept the harsh reality,
and know for sure that things have changed,
it's impossible to be what we were like before,
it's impossible to press the restart button and start over again,
but it's impossible to forget you.

i remember the halloween party we had last year.
i remember dressing up and having so much fun.
i remember us playing pool while watching horror movies.
i remember not daring to watch,
i remember us playing by the pool,
i remember us getting dumped into the pool.
i remember dumping everyone into the pool.
i remember cheryl wanting to dump in but to no avail.
i remember you getting worried for me.
i remember you telling me to take care.
i remember you jumping into the pool together with me.
i remember us laughing and smiling.

and then i thought it was over.
i left without saying goodbye.
i left looking back but you didnt look at me.
i left thinking that it was the end and i should stop wanting anything more.
but i was wrong.
you came back the very next day.
rather, that very night.
and you changed my thoughts and my feelings.

thankyou very much.

******

i remember having sunday tennis lessons with a big group of kids.
we had really fun training together.
playing together, improving together.
playing hard on the court,
training physical in the studio.

then one by one we left.
and soon me and partner left.
then we started private training,
you and me, doubles.
partners with great chemistry on the court,
partners who trained together no matter what,
partners who played our best at the comps.
then we met for singles on the competition court.
we had so much fun,
knowing how each other played,
and playing to our best.
then we met at the next competition
and there, you won girl.

and then, i quit.
i quit the sport.
i quit the fun.
i quit the passion of mine.
vanished suddenly.

i remember when i first met friend.
you knew him too.
he had a lot of past.
he knew people i knew.
i remember you telling me that.
did i listen? i dont think so..
we played a lot together.
and you became my doubles partner.
we had a little chemistry,
we played well, real well.
it was rather different though,
you were much better than me, and i was trying hard to keep up.
it's like me always chasing, and you're always in the front.
it doesnt last does it? it never does.
i remember when you smiled at me when i got a drink,
and you got to share it with me.
i remember when i went to your trainings to watch,
and you were happy.
i remember us meeting outside,
and you were so shocked you didnt know what to say.
all these little stuff,
all these stuff made me happy,
and they still do..

after i quit i never saw you,
i never saw them.
i never held my racket properly,
i never stepped onto court and played well,
i dropped, terribly.
i lost touch so much i dont dare to try playing again.
i ask myself, why did i give up?
if i had held on by myself, maybe things wouldnt turn out this way.
i miss those times so much,
i want to go back.

when i saw you recently,
you were happy, you looked the same.
nothing changed, or was it just that i didnt notice it?
we decided to meet again.
i'm still waiting for that day to come.
where maybe things would turn out the same way.
i dont know.
im not sure anymore..

******

it's been like what half a year,
since i talked to you seriously.
since we hanged out together.
since we had fun together.
things are not like before.
you were probably one of my happiest memories,
but yes, a memory.
i can't kick you out,
i can't block you away.
it keeps coming back.
im lost.
i swear never to get into this mess again.

******

mummy was telling her she deserved better.
and i thought, he's nice, what's wrong?
it turned out, there is no forever.
maybe there is, but it's not the same definition.
forever is probably a month or two,
not everlasting.
memories stay, but fade over time.
i've forgotten a lot of things.
a lot of things which have gotten blurred,
a lot of things which have completely vanished.

but i want friendships to be different.
i want one which lasts,
one which i can think and remember the times of,
one which makes me smile, laugh and cry.
one where we're true and not hiding anything.
one where we share everything from secrets to life.
one where we're close
one where we spend loads of time together
one where i know you'd be there no matter what.

i dont want things to change,
i like the status quo.
if possible, let it remain this way.
dont drift apart,
dont forget about this,
dont let it fade away.

all i want is a simple, close and lasting friendship.
and i ask for nothing more.

Y